Depression

Take a toddler to the grocery store to learn patience

screaming

Patience is one of those things that is you either have a shit ton of or none at all.  Hopefully, if you are a parent, you have all the patience in the world because that is what is needed to survive your progeny as they grow up.

There are days when my patience just runs out and I am so sorry to everyone around me when it does.  Please forgive me.  Those days are usually grocery shopping days.  Anyone who has ever taken a rambunctious toddler to the store knows exactly what I am talking about.

This past Saturday was the highlight of me losing my patience and whoever was in Walmart knew we were there too.  My son saw his daycare teacher at the beginning of our shopping experience which was super cute as they kissed and hugged…….then she walked away.  This began the hour long “Where is Miss Debbie?”  Up and down every aisle.  I am not sure how he was breathing as he was saying it every second.  Faster and faster, louder and louder until the screaming started.  And lasted all the way through check out and into the car.  He wanted Miss Debbie and he was not stopping.  There was a few times I felt like just driving into the wall to end that little voice that would just not shut up about Miss Debbie.  Thankfully I did my woooooosa breathing and we ended up at home so I could share the screaming with everyone who lived in my neighborhood, who obviously were used to his screaming as the cops have never been called.

Parents understand that if you ignore the bad behavior(hopefully) and not reward it, eventually the child will stop.  Then you learn your limit of what you can handle.  This is called learning patience and it is the most painful thing I go through every week.  So good luck to all you parents out there today shopping with your toddler………

Why did I want to be an adult?

adult

I remember in high school, my friends and I having sleepovers, giggling and planning our lives when we grew up.  I wanted to be married at 22, a house by 25, 2 kids by 26 (a boy and girl), a Mitsubishi Montero and of course my dream job of being a CSI.  Great life right?  At 17, I was ready to be an adult and even wrote my predictions in my senior books I could look back and say “see, look at me being an adult.”  Why in the world was I determined to grow up so fast?

Let’s face it, most of the time, being a grown up sucks. The definition of adult is a person who is fully grown and developed or mentally and emotionally mature.  That means you have to know best, you have to take care of all the responsibilities in your life, you are the supreme ruler in your family. IT’S ALL ON YOU!  Oh man and for some of us, it’s like the responsibilities don’t ever end and then you wonder if you are doing your life right. Are you showing your children what it is to be great in life?  Are you showing them that you can handle being mature and responsible so one day they can be too?  This is what keeps me up at night.  If I can barely handle being an adult, can my sons?

There are days where I wish another adult would just take over and be the adultier adult.  Just put me on autopilot and arrange my life for me, I’ll follow along, I swear it.  But I guess that’s what my parents were there for.  They took care of me and my brother and everything that went with being a family.  You ever get that sense of relief when you are with your parents, even if it’s for a day?  That sense of relief is the knowledge that they are the alpha adults and you don’t have to be mentally and emotionally mature while they are around.  They will take over and be responsible and make the best decisions.

No cares, no responsibility, no being an adult. Doesn’t that sound great?  I am ready for that again.  Except you can’t buy alcohol if you are not an adult.  Hmmmmm, I might need to rethink this……..

Supermom is gone

 
I had my first child when I was 19. I was determined to be the best mother to my sweet little Brenden. I then became Supermom. I would have put Pinterest to shame had it existed then. I was organized, I was creative, the house was always clean.  I had time for friends and family.  I worked 40 hours a week AND volunteered AND took Brenden to his two different sports he played. I was able to go to school and get my Masters degree when he was 9.  Life was perfect, life was glorious and I held it in the palm of my hands. 

Flash forward to today and you will see, Supermom is dead. I don’t know how it happened or when but she is truly dead and buried, there’s no getting her back. I am 33 years old and it’s all I can do to get through the workday and then come home to be a mom. I’m soooooo tired and I think to myself, “at least dinner is tasty.”  I despair that Jaxon will never see me at my best. I find it laughable that I scour pages of Pinterest because I know they will help me. Above all, I wonder what the heck changed?!!  Is it because I’m older?  Is it because I started over by having another child. WHAT IS IT?!!  Things to ponder because I have to go…..dinner is burning. 

It Can’t Just Be Me………

I am one of the million parents in this world and I feel like it can’t just be me that feels the way I do.  I am a 33-year-old mother of two boys, a 14 year old and a 2 year old. I am a woman who is strong, independent, a go getter, a doer, a provider, a nurse, a cook, a maid, a chauffeur…….well the list goes on and on.  I have been a parent for 14 years now and all of a sudden, it’s like I have lost my damn mind–anyone else?  I feel like I cannot get anything accomplished, my life is on hold, our family cannot move forward and I think to myself everyday “is it me?  Am I the only one who feels this way?”  I decided to put my thoughts and feelings into words in hopes that I can find other people who relate to me and what I am going through.  My title is fitting as I know it can’t just be me thinking and feeling what I do….. and then it never can just be me as a single person with no responsibilities.  So HELLO world! My name is Aileiah Clarke and parenting has made me lose my mind.  Want to join me?  Or have you already?